Ok so it’s been over 6 months since my last post & in that time I have written so many in my head, but to be honest this intense feeling of failure has stopped me from showing up, baring all and being brutally honest – it’s not serving me well – so here goes, I’m about to be raw, real & vulnerable with you for several reasons…. a) I hope it will resonate and help others, b) hiding is not serving me & I hope this might put an end to the crazy I’m feeling – so here goes.
(Total honesty – I wrote this 3 weeks ago…. and was afraid to share…)
Let’s wind back to last August – I was powering through the HGC protocol and lost about 9kg, I was actually feeling really good in my skin and the change was physically noticeable. I got through phase 3 and was onto phase 4 which I was the phase I was most excited about – this is when shit hit the fan!
What I had dreaded most and my reason for avoiding diets in general kicked in with extreme force! The rebound effect…. let me explain. So in phase 4 you are meant to slowly introduce & test foods to see which ones suit your body, the trouble is, any “negative”reaction means you have to go back to the safe foods for 3 days or more… well I was totally DONE with the safe foods! My rebel kicked in and she was starving for variety and food!!!! Then once I felt like I had totally failed the protocol, the guilt kicked in…. then came the crappy foods, a holiday and some alcohol…. then the shame….
So what do I mean by shame? Well first comes guilt, guilt of not doing what you know you should, and this can be a powerful motivator to kick you back on track or in my case, my rebel fires up & self sabotage kicks in – to the point where the internal language is negative & detrimental. This is where you start to feel divided inside, I know that my actions are detrimental to the outcome I want, but the more you resist the stronger it feels – when the internal language then shifts to… “XYZ , means that I am a bad person or I am less than” then this the shame.
I decided to take a Geneen Roth type approach to my crazy behaviour and let it run its course, knowing that a pendulum will eventually swing back & in a way it did. After Christmas I was feeling revolting to decided to start looking after myself by really putting in nourishing foods & it felt great but there’s still something emotional underfoot. I can feel it. I feel a big shift coming and the turmoil at the moment is intense which means the yo-yo ing has been instense, it started with a good week – a shity week, then a good day a bad day, now it’s almost like, a norishing food, then a shitty food & repeat…. January was so bizzare I physically fluctuated up and down within a 5kg range!!!! That doesn’t even seam possible…
So, was it a self fulfilling prophecy that diets don’t work and cause the rebound effect? I’ve successfully (well unsuccessfully) gained back all the weight I lost with some extra, I feel physically uncomfortable in my own skin again & I can’t get my head around this crazy drive to eat shit that is making me feel aweful, then an hour later eating something norishing & amazing that makes my insides feel so good….
What’s even more crazy is while I’m on this food rollercoaster I’ve dived back into learning about the body, health & food & Im totally loving the learning and the information, but at the same time eating way too many of those bloody fundraising chocolates that are still in our house!!!
So there you go, there’s my vulnerable vomit, my truth! Now I can move on, get though this big emotional shift, start to honor myself – because to me eating well or you can call it “healthy” Isn’t about being “good” or “trendy” it really is about self love ❤️, self worth & taking care of me. My hope is that by releasing this guilt & shame, I’ll also release this subconscious need to punish myself, because even though we talk about those foods as a “treat” I feel like I’m punishing myself for failing – failing at something that I publicly put out to the world – and that’s never an easy pill to swallow!
So, yep I failed at the “diet”, “protocol” “lifestyle” whatever the hell you want to call it, I felt like I failed.
I’m human, I’m going to take the learning from it & now I want to stop torturing myself & rebuild my relationship with food… Because let’s face it, it is a relationship. It will have its ups & downs, some relationships serve us well & some are just plain toxic! I want to get back to harmony, a relationship that is loving, gentle & nourishing – I want to get back to relationship I had with food that I had about 4 years ago, where I knew what nourished me & what didn’t serve me. Not coming from a place of deprivation & fear of food or deep restriction, but making choices based on the longer term outcome. My current relationship with junk food is like hanging out with that toxic friend that seams fun at the time, but always lands you in trouble – you know that hanging out with them is trouble, but do it, just because your parents told you not to…. hehe those friends you can love from a distance, it might feel painful at first, but you know it will serve you well in the long run.
Can you relate? Do you struggle with the gap between the awareness & the behavior patterns? I will continue to explore this, but at the same time I’m going to be gentle with myself & punishment only fuels the shame, which has zero motivating effect on the human psyche & the more work I do on my self worth & self love journey, the more layers I’m peeling off this issue & it’s getting to the core, I’m so close I can feel it.
Here’s to new nourishing friendships – wish me luck!